This series is dedicated to some lovely ladies I got to spend some time with last weekend who are taking a close look at their life and choosing to make first things first.
Last weekend I had the opportunity to meet with a group of ladies and talk about this idea called Boundaries. These ladies, like many of us in different ways, are working on relationships. As always, even with a fancy degree I am reminded how perplex and confusing relationships can be. We enter the world through a relationship and if all goes well exit this world in relationship. If relationships are going well in our life then statistically we are some of the healthiest people alive. Meaning, people with good relationships are usually more mentally, physically and spiritually happier. But as I am reminded daily in my profession, my classroom and with these ladies, relationships are hard. I know, based on my own story, one of the reasons relationships are hard is because we lack good understanding of a core need. Boundaries.
I thought Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud, in their book Boundaries, put it well. They say that boundaries are simply where I end and where you begin. Our first thought is the physical. That is definitely one way that we know an end and a begin. For me to hit you, outside a sanctioned sport that welcomes big punches and kicks to my head, is a violation of boundaries. That one is pretty black and white. You hit me I feel pain and I tell you to stop and hopefully you do. But what about words? What about my needs and wants? How do I know what I can ask and what I need to leave alone? So messy! Mostly confusing. For the next five weeks I am going to take a closer look at Boundaries and what we need to know about them. Let’s take a closer look together and see if we can’t come up with some ideas about what boundaries may look like in our life.
You are responsible to manage different levels of intimacy, responsibility, influence and trust with people in your life. Danny Silk, Keep Your Love On!Danny will create a starting place for us to take a look at relational boundaries. The first thing he mentions is how important it is that we manage the level of intimacy with have with EACH person in our life. This statement alone helps us recognize that not all people are going to get the same level of intimacy with you. Each person is different. If I want to have a relationship with God and pursue my wife and children in an honorable way, they must be first! Period (or maybe explanation point) I think most of us would say, duh?! Those things are first.
Then let’s test it. Are these people getting my first fruits. First fruits represent your best. Do they get the best part of your mood? Do they get your joy and your smiles and your focused attention? If you asked them if they feel number one in your life, how would they respond? Of course in our mind most of us would validate this is what I “want” to be most important in my life. Our mind and our actions must come together so what we think is what is actually happening.
Some of you, especially my male readers, know that if this question was asked to your wife and kids maybe they would say your job comes first. Maybe they see my ministry as being my first. Maybe your hobbies appear to be your first.
Your actions reflect what the mind actually believes. The old saying, “don’t pay attention to what I say, pay attention to what I do.”
One of my first for years was the likes and demands of others. I had a tendency for more years than I want to admit to make the demands of others my first. There was a variety of reasons this happened:
I knew my family would always love me
I did not want to disappoint other people
God told me I need to serve people so this must be what it looked like to suffer for him
I simply did not know how to say NO
I am better at these other things that being a husband/dad
This makes me feel good
Running from a problem
No shame here. I think all of us can say that we have had other first in our life than what we want to. So consider this as an invitation to grow back into the first that we must live by. If any of these reasons above reflect your action, you may have lost your firsts. Boundaries are a good place to start to get it back. A starting place today is simply recognize and be HONEST with yourself about things/people/thoughts that are getting in the way of my firsts. Next week we will take a look at a transition to putting first things first back in place.
Bob A Clifton 