What do I do to take care of me?
What prohibits me from taking care of myself?
Well guess what? I just so happen to be sitting in an airplane having just received the life saving message of all the important factors in surviving a 30,000 foot nose dive. Great news, in case you were worried about me, We are flying at 24,000 feet from Kansas City to Denver. Surely at 24,000 feet we will be good to go.
Two questions were posed last week. What do I do to take care of myself and what prohibits me from taking care of myself. Similar questions that really set the stage for great boundaries. So what did you come up with? I was reminded by a friend of mine on my way in to work today that this is harder than it seems. I couldn’t agree more. We are busier people than we have ever been in history. Our works weeks have increased. Our participation in extra cirricular activities for our kids have increased. We are busy. Mom and dad are both busy. Kids are busy. Some of you might have quickly dismissed my question because you are suggesting there is no time to take care of yourself. But we must.
Humor me for a bit. Think about the things you love. I asked a client today what she loved to do. “Oh…well I love to cook.” Perfect! A starting place. What would it look like for you to take one evening out of your week and use that time to cook? Seems simple enough. And it is…IF we block the time out to do the things we love.
The reason you see me setting the stage of good boundaries with knowing what pleases ourself is so that you have something to offer. We are kinda like a car. Cars like fuel. Cars like oil. Cars need maintenance. When you do those things a car can go for a long time.
Red Flags:
I am only happy when I am taking care of other people.
I don’t like to spend time doing things by myself.
If I didn’t take care of my kids I don’t know what I would do.
So now that we know taking care of ourselves is critical, let’s begin looking at boundaries. What are boundaries? Think of property line. Remember what we said in part 1, boundaries are where I end and where you begin. Think of your property line at your house. Some of you have fences so you know and your neighbor knows where that property line begins. Now let’s take a nice hot July in Kansas. Temps manage to stay between 90 and 100 degrees. For those of you not watering your lawn it resemles the likes of hay more than grass.
You feel sad that your neighbor has brown grass so you start watering it for him. You water his grass for enough days that you would appreciate a thank you. It doesn’t come. You push your sprinkler over farther so that half of his backyard is now being watered by you. No thanks. You buy a longer hose so that you can water his whole backyard. Still no thank you!
Feeling a little frustrated by your neighbor yet?
This is what it can feel like when we are struggling with boundaries. We/You/Me/Your Friend begin helping other people in ways that do not honor our own limitations. We start to feel tired and worn out while the people around us are thriving.
One of the things I run into most often, definitely what made it hard for me to set boundaries, is knowing when a boundary is being violated or not. I knew I was tired and my schedule was full but was confused what I needed to say yes to and say no to.
Here is a lithmus test to get us started. Boundaries, according to Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud, are for the purpose of protecting your treasure. Your treasure is your feelings, attitudes and behaviors. When you notice any of these feeling out of whack then you are:
1. Not taking good enough care of yourself
OR
2. Not respecting your limitations/boundaries
For example. Your phone rings. You see the name on the phone. You are tired and this person makes you more tired. Pick up the phone?
NO. STOP. YOU DONT HAVE TO!!
Why? Part 4 Coming Soon…
Bob A Clifton 