Half Mast

The moment we permit evil to control our imaginations, dictate the way we think, and shape our responses we at the same time become incapable of seeing the good and the true and the beautiful.
– Eugene Peterson, Leap Over A Wall

My drive to my daughters school and my work takes me up our main street. Where I turn on to Topeka Blvd there is an American flag that occupies the front lawn of an office building. Because this route takes your through downtown I actually see a few different flags. At the intersection today the flag was at half mast. Hmmmm?

Seems the American flag is flying at half mast an awful lot these days.

and

What happened now?

Let’s see France, no that was multiple weeks ago. Planned Parenthood Clinic in Colorado, that was on Thanksgiving. Oh…that’s right, San Bernardino this week.

Then my mind drifts back to the idea of how often I have been seeing our American flag flying at half mast. It may have flown this often when I was younger but I do not remember. I thought as we entered into the Iraqi war I began seeing it fly at half mast more often. It was flying at half mast so often, sad to say, that I started becoming numb to it.

But I made some good friends and I cared a little more. Then I had a wife and cared a little more. Two kiddos come along and now I care more. I noticed that as my family increased in size and my circle of friends grew that I begin to pay more attention. I think I started paying more attention because I had more to lose.

I won’t lie, and maybe I speak for you too, it would be real easy to let fear take over these days. Maybe you have spent some time there recently. Worry, fear and anxiety seem to be on the rise. So many good friends around me are not sleeping well. More things than ever to help us unwind and relax. We are fearful.

So what gives?

Seems like every time I go down one of these thoughtful moments Jesus comes. Today He came through the story that everyone of us learned growing up. David and Goliath. I have heard this story shared a hundred times. Most of the time I skim over the top of it and miss what it offers. I see the pages of a kids book being flipped with this big odd ball giant taking a stone to the face and falling over.

It landed a different way. Story is always interesting.

Learning stories is not the same as learning multiplication tables. Eugene Peterson

Have you ever noticed that we can tell the same stories over and over again. Just last weekend over Thanksgiving I was talking to a friend who is inAustralia for a short stay. We were sharing the same story we have shared many times. This is the fifth year we have shared this story. She laughed. Her friend laughed. I laughed when they laughed. The story had new form but we were brought right back into the moment seeing more and experiencing story again. Our story Her families story. Seems like every time you hear story, especially when paying attention, it brings new fruit. It takes new shape and grows. Story invites you to sit…relax…imagine.

So today…reading about David I had a different view of this story.

Fear. David walked into a story that was happening before he arrived. The story had taken form and shape and was at full throttle. David’s first interaction with fear was his brothers meet and greet. With ten loaves of bread and ten bricks of cheese in hand David is met with his brothers scorn.

“What are you doing here! Why aren’t you minding your own business, tending that scrawny flock of sheep?”

By the way…if I am ever at an epic battle and you bring me cheese and bread, guaranteed celebration and good times coming. Promise.

This is the first hint that the story David walked into is being driven by fear. At least we know by now that fear has taken his brother out. Somehow David sees his brother acting a fool and has the sense to keep asking questions of other people. Quickly there after we see that the people are giving him the same answer as he seen on the faces of others. Fear. So David deals with the fear of his brother and now the fear of others.

The king catches word that David is here and he inquires to learn more about this giant. Saul seems confused. The king is scared, why isn’t David? David runs into his third round of fear. King Saul was anxious. Anxiety is typically driven by fear. He was afraid and warned David that he was too small and not capable of beating this giant. David convinced him to at least give it a try so out of fear the king tries to load him up with armor. David tries it on and gives it back to the king.

My friend Scott who teaches Hebrew put it perfectly a couple weeks ago. He asked the question “what do you need to put off that is coming from other people?” David had to put off the scorn of a family member. David had to put off the anxiety and fear of the crowd. David put off the fear of the king in order to face the situation that could of caused him fear, but didn’t.

I’m thinking about Paris and Colorado and San Bernardino. If you know Jesus, let me remind you what access we have.

You come at me with sword and spear and battle-ax. I come at you in the name of GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies, the God of Israel’s troops.

Your story also has an enemy. This enemy is diligently at work. His work is not good. He is here to steal, kill and destroy. He loves that you fear. The more the merrier for him.

But…he has been defeated!

We know who the winner was, is and will be. This story is won by a returning King that surpasses any fear that will come our way.

A good friend reminded me yesterday that when life is kicking my tail the first place to go is back to the delight of the Father. So I am putting off fear and going back to the Father. And back again and again and again. And then He will invite you to come again.

You? What has to be put off?

Water My Grass Please, Boundaries Pt. 3

What do I do to take care of me?
What prohibits me from taking care of myself?

Well guess what? I just so happen to be sitting in an airplane having just received the life saving message of all the important factors in surviving a 30,000 foot nose dive. Great news, in case you were worried about me, We are flying at 24,000 feet from Kansas City to Denver. Surely at 24,000 feet we will be good to go.

Two questions were posed last week. What do I do to take care of myself and what prohibits me from taking care of myself. Similar questions that really set the stage for great boundaries. So what did you come up with? I was reminded by a friend of mine on my way in to work today that this is harder than it seems. I couldn’t agree more. We are busier people than we have ever been in history. Our works weeks have increased. Our participation in extra cirricular activities for our kids have increased. We are busy. Mom and dad are both busy. Kids are busy. Some of you might have quickly dismissed my question because you are suggesting there is no time to take care of yourself. But we must.

Humor me for a bit. Think about the things you love. I asked a client today what she loved to do. “Oh…well I love to cook.” Perfect! A starting place. What would it look like for you to take one evening out of your week and use that time to cook? Seems simple enough. And it is…IF we block the time out to do the things we love.

The reason you see me setting the stage of good boundaries with knowing what pleases ourself is so that you have something to offer. We are kinda like a car. Cars like fuel. Cars like oil. Cars need maintenance. When you do those things a car can go for a long time.

Red Flags:
I am only happy when I am taking care of other people.
I don’t like to spend time doing things by myself.
If I didn’t take care of my kids I don’t know what I would do.

So now that we know taking care of ourselves is critical, let’s begin looking at boundaries. What are boundaries? Think of property line. Remember what we said in part 1, boundaries are where I end and where you begin. Think of your property line at your house. Some of you have fences so you know and your neighbor knows where that property line begins. Now let’s take a nice hot July in Kansas. Temps manage to stay between 90 and 100 degrees. For those of you not watering your lawn it resemles the likes of hay more than grass.

You feel sad that your neighbor has brown grass so you start watering it for him. You water his grass for enough days that you would appreciate a thank you. It doesn’t come. You push your sprinkler over farther so that half of his backyard is now being watered by you. No thanks. You buy a longer hose so that you can water his whole backyard. Still no thank you!

Feeling a little frustrated by your neighbor yet?

This is what it can feel like when we are struggling with boundaries. We/You/Me/Your Friend begin helping other people in ways that do not honor our own limitations. We start to feel tired and worn out while the people around us are thriving.

One of the things I run into most often, definitely what made it hard for me to set boundaries, is knowing when a boundary is being violated or not. I knew I was tired and my schedule was full but was confused what I needed to say yes to and say no to.

Here is a lithmus test to get us started. Boundaries, according to Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud, are for the purpose of protecting your treasure. Your treasure is your feelings, attitudes and behaviors. When you notice any of these feeling out of whack then you are:

1. Not taking good enough care of yourself
OR
2. Not respecting your limitations/boundaries

For example. Your phone rings. You see the name on the phone. You are tired and this person makes you more tired. Pick up the phone?

NO. STOP. YOU DONT HAVE TO!!

Why? Part 4 Coming Soon…

Get More Selfish, Boundaries Pt. 2

So to put things back in place we have to take care of first things first. Guess what? Your first! In order for these boundaries to ever take root, selfishness is required.

Believe it or not some of you are really bad at being selfish. Well maybe my word selfish is throwing you off a bit. You probably know where I am headed with this. Some of you are not great at taking care of yourselves first.

Picture this, taxi the runway at an airport. First thing that happens when they get moving is the airline speech about what happens in case of an emergency. It goes something like:

Ladies and gentleman, if for some reason we are 30,000 feet in the air and you see the nose take a fast dive where things are seeming out of control they are. We are in a world of trouble! But…while it may appear that you are going to not survive this experience you still need to take safety precautions. You need to know where your flotation devise is and you need to know where your air mask will drop from. That way, if you are having a panic attack, because of this sudden drop in altitude and the loud screams coming from the cockpit at least you feel like you are doing something while you are waititng to reach the earth.

Awful! You can see that I am a bit of a pessimist about these safety precautions doing me much good six miles in the air in a vehicle that weighs 154,000 pounds. It actually does weigh that much, I asked SIRI.

But…as a dad here is the advice I get. Before you put the air mask on your child you have to put yours on first. If you are without air then getting air to your child is going to be, let’s say, not possible!

And this is why taking care of yourself is so important. If you are not taking care of youreself your effort in taking care of others will not go great. On more occassions than I want to count I have offered to other people without first taking care of myself. Some things I noticed:

I get bitter
I get resentful
I start to sound like a martyr
I get prideful
I feel entitled (I deserve_____________)
I am actually thinking about myself more than the other person

That last one sounds crazy huh? Did you know that at some level when you are taking care of other people first it can actually be self serving. I know, I know that sounds crazy! I may not want someone else angry at me so I take care of them first. But what if setting a boundary with that person is the healthiest thing for them EVEN if they end up angry with you? Well this is turning out not to be a fun blog.

But taking care of myself, what does that look like? Well it does not look like my favorite food in the whole world called cheesecake. I wish I could do a whole blog on cheesecake. Cheesecake makes me so happy! But the problem with too much cheesecake is I get full, I feel yucky and my pants stop fitting. Taking care of myself actually means me addressing my physical, emotional, spiritual, vocational, social and mental in healthy ways. We will dig into that in part 3 of our look at Boundaries.

A couple questions to ask until then is:

1. What do I do to take care of me?
2. What prohibits me from taking care of myself?

First Things First, Boundaries Pt. 1

This series is dedicated to some lovely ladies I got to spend some time with last weekend who are taking a close look at their life and choosing to make first things first.

Last weekend I had the opportunity to meet with a group of ladies and talk about this idea called Boundaries. These ladies, like many of us in different ways, are working on relationships. As always, even with a fancy degree I am reminded how perplex and confusing relationships can be. We enter the world through a relationship and if all goes well exit this world in relationship. If relationships are going well in our life then statistically we are some of the healthiest people alive. Meaning, people with good relationships are usually more mentally, physically and spiritually happier. But as I am reminded daily in my profession, my classroom and with these ladies, relationships are hard. I know, based on my own story, one of the reasons relationships are hard is because we lack good understanding of a core need. Boundaries.

I thought Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud, in their book Boundaries, put it well. They say that boundaries are simply where I end and where you begin. Our first thought is the physical. That is definitely one way that we know an end and a begin. For me to hit you, outside a sanctioned sport that welcomes big punches and kicks to my head, is a violation of boundaries. That one is pretty black and white. You hit me I feel pain and I tell you to stop and hopefully you do. But what about words? What about my needs and wants? How do I know what I can ask and what I need to leave alone? So messy! Mostly confusing. For the next five weeks I am going to take a closer look at Boundaries and what we need to know about them. Let’s take a closer look together and see if we can’t come up with some ideas about what boundaries may look like in our life.

You are responsible to manage different levels of intimacy, responsibility, influence and trust with people in your life. Danny Silk, Keep Your Love On!Danny will create a starting place for us to take a look at relational boundaries. The first thing he mentions is how important it is that we manage the level of intimacy with have with EACH person in our life. This statement alone helps us recognize that not all people are going to get the same level of intimacy with you. Each person is different. If I want to have a relationship with God and pursue my wife and children in an honorable way, they must be first! Period (or maybe explanation point) I think most of us would say, duh?! Those things are first.

Then let’s test it. Are these people getting my first fruits. First fruits represent your best. Do they get the best part of your mood? Do they get your joy and your smiles and your focused attention? If you asked them if they feel number one in your life, how would they respond? Of course in our mind most of us would validate this is what I “want” to be most important in my life. Our mind and our actions must come together so what we think is what is actually happening.

Some of you, especially my male readers, know that if this question was asked to your wife and kids maybe they would say your job comes first. Maybe they see my ministry as being my first. Maybe your hobbies appear to be your first.

Your actions reflect what the mind actually believes. The old saying, “don’t pay attention to what I say, pay attention to what I do.”

One of my first for years was the likes and demands of others. I had a tendency for more years than I want to admit to make the demands of others my first. There was a variety of reasons this happened:

I knew my family would always love me
I did not want to disappoint other people
God told me I need to serve people so this must be what it looked like to suffer for him
I simply did not know how to say NO
I am better at these other things that being a husband/dad
This makes me feel good
Running from a problem

No shame here. I think all of us can say that we have had other first in our life than what we want to. So consider this as an invitation to grow back into the first that we must live by. If any of these reasons above reflect your action, you may have lost your firsts. Boundaries are a good place to start to get it back. A starting place today is simply recognize and be HONEST with yourself about things/people/thoughts that are getting in the way of my firsts. Next week we will take a look at a transition to putting first things first back in place.

Violated

Friday was a fantastic day! I mean really. I went to Kansas City for my first ever back massage. A 16 hour drive home from Florida a week before has left my back twisted and tangled in new ways. I am still skeptical to get going with a chiropractor. So the safest route for me appeared to be the massage.

The only way I can describe a back massage, having never had one before, is somewhere between punishment and ecstasy wrapped up in 30 minutes. Not sure why it works this way but I felt like she was abusing me part of the time and bring a new level of joy in my life the other part.

But when I got up I was a new man. Fantastic! I was a bit back to normal. I needed that more than I could have ever known.

Rest of the day was a relaxed venture with some of my favorite foods and good books. A much needed Sabbath that has been a long time coming.

Until 3:30…..

As always my daughter and I walked in our home and my first glance of the living room kicked on my parenting switch immediately. Why in the world is the living room so out of sorts. The console that our television sits on had the doors flung wide open and it was moved out from the wall. So now I know my offender is Luke. In 10 minutes I am picking him up from school and we will have words.

Oh wait…his XBOX is gone! Don’t think he can get that in his backpack to take to school. And a glance to the kitchen where I notice the sliding glass door is wide open sets the scene in motion. A dash to the kitchen to notice that our computer is missing.

We had been robbed

The next 30 minutes are a blur for me. A daughter in tears, police executing a tactical move through my home to make sure know one else is in the house, a walk through to tell the officer everything they have taken, conversation with my wife that sends her home from work early to come be a mom.

Sad, angry, scared, embarrassed

At the end of our experience, the whole family sitting on the couch stunned from the event, I can capture this experience in one word.

VIOLATED

And that word has not left me. Have your home broke into is this feeling of hopelessness and anger all wrapped up in one. Violated feels out of control. Who did it? Why did they do it? The police asked if I have any enemies that might have done this. Definitely in high school/college. Now 19 years in the faith as of this month it is hard to find someone that would be so angry at me they would need to break in. I thought for a second that might have been an easier answer, an enemy would have brought closure and an action step to take.

The weekend rushed by. Many talks as a family. Dad, the family therapist, making sure no wounds or trauma’s have set in from this incident. I am sure as I look back now, too many questions and I am sure by Monday people were ready to return to our normal lives.

For me, as the dust settled, I wrestled with the question the police officer asked once again. “Do you have any enemies that might have done this?” My question turned away from our physical world into a more spiritual question. Would have been weird for me and the police officer but as I sit on the question longer I would have like to say:

“well yes officer I sure do, but you can’t see him”

I am as quick as anyone around me to work hard to push this to the back burner of life. I don’t really want to face some of the cold hard truth comes with this fact. I have worked as hard as many to find a safe little comfortable life that affords me as much safety as I can afford. At this point, if you want to break into my home, I have the latest and greatest alarm system. Pretty much you will get a ninja kick if you crest the interior of our home when it is not the correct time.

But the truth is, WE LIVE IN A WORLD AT WAR whether we like it or not.

You mean the war that is happening in other countries surronding us? Nope…crack open the bible and look. Not geographical sensitive.

Ephesians 6:12The Message (MSG)

A Fight to the Finish
10-12 And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Oh. Hmmmm

This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Well…I am not sure that I signed up for all that. I am choosing to camp out on baby Jesus in a manger with little fat angels that look really happy singing super happy tunes. Yeah…I will go with that!

But actually I did. See, when we received the greatest invitation of all time we signed up to PARTNER with the greatest man that ever walked this earth. Did you hear that, we get to partner.

Philippians 1:5New Living Translation (NLT)

5 for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now.

And that partnership is to bring more light into dark places. I have wrestled with this for years. Can you imagine that God’s way to advance his Kingdom on earth is to use super messed up people trusting them with the greatest message ever. Not that I am super business savvy, but really?! Seems like a really poor model.

Anyways, we know two things. We are a world at war. And. We get to partner with Jesus in the greatest mission of all time to bring light into dark places.

So violated, yes. It has been about a month now and we are back to normal. Kinda. Still some anxiety and fear. A little. But, do me and my family have a better awareness of the world we live in? For sure.

I must live in this world with this understanding. To not is neive. I will become a very skewed person as I watch ISIS and Nepal and Baltimore unfold around me without this basic biblical view. Create as much safety as you wish but evil will exist and our enemy is working hard to advance his Kingdom just as our Father is doing the same.

You live in a world at war.
You get to partner with the greatest man ever
You will bring light into dark places in a way no one else can

Groan

Very interesting chain of events began last night.  I had the privilege of sitting with some great friends.  One by one we shared our personal stories.  By the end of the night I was spent.  In a good way for sure.  It was so great to hear the real life from some of the best people.  Joy and suffering filled the room through words.  I have been around a lot of heavy stories this week.  

Looking forward to pulling the covers over my head and shutting down the world for a day last night I felt a tug from God.  I felt like I was supposed to play a particular song before drifted off to sleep.  In probably my most unique worship experiene I laid in bed, arms raised in the air repeating the song “Lord I Need You.”  It felt like a rescue as I repeated the words over and over again.  I could feel my anxious heart coming back.  

Not thinking much about it this morning I kicked off my day with a meeting and run with a good friend.  No more than half way home from my run what song pops on the radio?  Here it is again.  

Hmmm…that’s pretty weird.  

In tune from the following night when I was horizontal with the earth, I am back in this song again.  Just about as awkward but now I am lifting my arms up in the air in my car.  Fortunately I-70 is pretty empty at 8:30 on a Sunday morning so no one gets to see this. demonstration.  

Now I am intrigued…

Well…whatever, on with my day.  Kids and I race off to church.  We have a busy day coming up so I am focusing on what is about to happen.  My bedtime and early morning encounter around this song are long gone and I am moving with the masses once again.

Meet up with some good friends at church.  Almost like it was on cue I was walking through the hall and what pipes out of the sanctuary?

You guessed it…

A few years ago I learned that when life is kicking up God has sent many a rescue that I have not noticed or chose to pay attention to.  But a few years of some good personal growth and a slew of relearned moments, here it was.  So my next question is to Jesus.  “What are you up to?  You’ve brought this song three times in twelve hours.  I am listening”

Next thing that comes to mind is Romans 8:26-27

I had no idea what passage this was.  I remember a couple words out of this verse.  I knew that we, as privileged sons and daughters of the King of Kings, can cry out to God anytime we want.  What I lost track of is that our Spirit inside of us could call out to God in ways we do not understand.  And in some way I felt like my spirit was groaning.  God knew I was getting in trouble.  As stated below in one commentary: 

 “He intercedes for us.” “Intercede” means to pray for someone else. “Groanings” or “groans” expresses feelings of compassion for our weak condition. The Holy Spirit requests the Father’s help for us with deep compassion (cf. Eph. 6:18).

Equipped with an understanding of the verse I felt like Jesus was giving me I asked him what he is up to.  Why bring this song three times?

Stuck on the word “groaning” I asked my 12 year old daughter what she thought of when she heard the word

“birth dad, it sounds like birth.”

Oh…that’s it!  Birth.  For me when I think of the birth process it looks incredibly painful.  (duh says all the ladies)  I watched my wife suffer physically in ways I hope to never experience.  Even my incredibly bad timed humor could not break her out of this pain called “child birth.”  😉

But on the other end of 13 hours with our first and 2 hours with our second two of my greatest joys entered the world.  Abigail and Luke.  And at the end of pain came baby.  Quickly I realized that all the pain my wife endured produced the most joy one can take in.  

Pain and Joy
Cursing and Blessing

And here lies what the Father seemed to be up to.  See this week was taxing.  Many great friends are struggling.  Their storylines are in a season of struggle/worry/sadness.  I hurt for them.  I hurt with them.  And somehow in a way that I can’t understand their Spirit begins to cry out.  Believe it or not I had not much this week.  Overloaded and tired it got missed.  Sad?  Yes.  And last night weary and worn myself, my Spirit groaned for me.  Our spirit inside of us prays and sings in unpredictable but needed ways.  

I want joy to come yesterday into their stories so they can smile and laugh at life once again.  And as I have learned many times over, it is hard to see the whole forest when you are standing in the middle of the trees.  Not sure about you but the way I have grown closer to God over the years typically comes through pain.  

The lyrics in this song that I seem to keep coming back to are:

“Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay”

And I think the reason this mattered is because God has to teach my song to rise to Him.  Another reminder that something is happening in me that is good, but not controlled by me.  So I continue to engage this Jesus.  I know He helps my spirit cry out in ways I do not understand.  I know He cares deeply about the people I care about.  I know that he does see above the tree line and has not been out of control a day of His life.  

So…He groans.  And as long as He is groaning I will keep doing the same for my friends.

http://soniclight.com/constable/notes/htm/NT/Romans/Romans.htm